No more high road…

So. John moves into his apartment on February 6. We continue to have Sunday dinners with our two grown children. We are taking the high road. We are telling people we are separating and I am even assuring others that there was “No cheating and no lying”. And he is letting me say that. Even to his parents and sister when they send me texts to say how sorry they are to hear. Everything is going well until one Sunday in the middle of March when John shows up with a bunch of groceries and is extra happy go lucky and friendly. This is a good sign something is up. I immediately become concerned that he is going to say he thinks we should try to get back together like he did once before (topic for another post). I am now on edge because there is no way we can get back together. I am so happy to be out.

During dinner he once again makes his comment that we will continue to do Sunday dinners “until your mother gets a boyfriend”. This is the second time he has said this to the kids. He said it when we told them we were separating but would continue to do Sunday dinners at my place. The day went off without a hitch and he heads home in the evening.

The next day, Monday afternoon, he shows up at the house. He has left work early. He tells me he has to tell me something. I said “oh oh” but he quickly assures me it is nothing bad. Then he tells me that he is seeing his boss. Yes. The same boss I suspected he was seeing. What stunned me was he was telling me that it just started. That he was so lonely in his apartment. And she was so lonely as well on the weekends when her Ex had the kids. They just started hanging out and had decided they were going to start dating. He really was convinced I would believe all this. I was stunned.

When I asked him how long it had been going on he said they only hung out every other weekend when she didn’t have the kids. That she had made dinner for him 2 or 3 times and that she was an amazing cook. I don’t cook. I have never cooked. It is a running joke that I am a horrible cook. And here he is telling me how she cooks for him and it is great. Bragging to me about it. Like I should be so happy for him. Now this is mid March. Making dinner 2 or 3 times, means this has been going on 5 to 6 weeks. So as soon as he was in his own place she could start cooking for him.

I am shocked he is saying all this as if this is something I should be so excited about. He even tells me that they laughed about the fact that I had once said if anything happened to me he should get with Sonya because she would be good to my kids. Yes. I did say that. Way back when he was telling me she was so much like me. And when she was saying she was so like me. And when I knew she was leaving a horrible marriage. And he was telling me how well they got along.

Then he asks me to keep it quiet because they are trying to figure out what to do at work about this. As if they are just now thinking how this might play out there. You see, it is frowned upon to sleep with an employee. He also said he didn’t want the kids to know because this was not a serious relationship. They were just hanging out and he had told Sonya he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship just getting out of a 28 year marriage. And he told me he didn’t want anymore kids in his life and she had a 12 and a 7 year old. He didn’t say he told her he didn’t want kids in his life.

He gets up to leave. He hugs me. He thanks me for making this all so easy on him. And leaves. I sit down and let it sink in. Now I have a bunch of questions. Now I see all the signs much clearer. Now I know I was right to think he was cheating with is boss. And now, I am furious.

The next morning, he sends me a text and asks how I am doing. I tell him not good. I say I am pretty pissed at him. That I didn’t believe it just started and that he already had this relationship planned when he made his “fucking Issues” comment. That he had an exit strategy. I asked him who saw him. Who did he think was going to tell me so he had to get to me first? and I told him the cooking comment was just petty.

He was indignant. He denied the whole thing. Even saying that he told me about Sonya because “our friendship” meant a lot to him. This actually made me laugh. Our friendship. He is still attempting to take the high road. He is still playing the “good guy”. He explained he made the issues comment because he was trying to control his work space. So. Getting in my face and yelling “Work on your fucking issues!” spitting mad was a perfectly normal thing to do? According to him, it was.

I wish I could say that at this point I completely cut off all contact and moved on. But I didn’t. I didn’t want the kids to be upset and so I even said we could continue with Sunday dinner but that it would be hard for me. I spent the rest of that week going over everything in the past 30 years and recognizing signs I had missed. I was devastated. Not because of him, but because of how I let it get this bad. Mad at me for not doing better. Then mad at me for blaming me. I didn’t cheat. I didn’t lie. But I did tell people there was no cheating or lying. I felt like a complete fool.

As it turned out, I did not have to have another Sunday dinner with him and the kids. On Friday of that week we had the only screaming match of our entire relationship. But that is for another discussion. I find this process of reliving it cathartic AND exhausting.