The response…

Full disclosure. John had previously signed into his email on my computer as I had on his. When I was changing all my passwords after moving into my new place – on my lawyers and bankers suggestions – I closed all my accounts and reopened them with my new passwords. When I got to my gmail it opened without me having to sign in. This seemed odd but then I saw that it was John’s email. I realized this when I saw an email to John from Sonya with my name on it. So I read it.

It was an email that was actually addressed to me from Sonya. She had sent it to John to review before sending it to me. Why I wondered? Was this part of their plan to make it appear that they were the innocent victims in all this? That is what I have come to believe.

I will not post the original email as they are not my words. But I am going to post my response. I believe you will get the gist of what Sonya said.

I have reread the email….and I am no less surprised by it.  

You start off by saying you can’t console me.  Why would I want you to console me?  We were never close.  And why would you think you had the ability to console me?  The term itself is so condescending.  Then the comment that this was not an attempt to defend yourself.  Do you honestly think I would accept any defence?  Well, apparently you do because you go on for paragraph after paragraph attempting to do just that.  

You begin your defence with the old tried and true – “I would never….”  You seem to believe that the fact that you were cheated on means that you could and would never do such a thing.  But you know I think that you did, and that you aren’t being truthful, so why would you saying this make me change my mind on that?  

You go on to say you “thought” we were alike – implying that I should understand you because we were similar.  It also implies that there must be something lacking in me because I don’t believe you.  Does this make any sense to you when you see it from this view?  You are implying that I do not have the soul or strength you have…again…very condescending and insulting.  It’s as if you think if I knew you were hurt before that I would not think you hurt me.  I don’t see the logic in that. 

You continue your defence by saying that you feel this is like a childhood hurt in a playground.  An unintentional hurt.  But we are not children.  You didn’t bump into me on a swing.  You slept with my husband.  You planned it.  You discussed it.  And you then went on to do it anyway.  That is the very definition of intentional.  When you mentioned your upset stomach and stinging eyes from tears I actually laughed.  Are you truly looking for sympathy from me?  You said you were embarrassed and felt you were being judged.  You should be embarrassed and you are being judged.  You slept with an “employee” as you so affectionately refer to him.  You knew that was frowned upon in the work-place and would not reflect well on a woman who wants to be promoted to director.  And it isn’t just you.  John is also being judged.  By HR.  By his co-workers.  By his family and friends.  It seems everyone knows that sleeping with his “manager”,  as you refer to yourself, is frowned upon as well.  

Then you go on to show me that the two of you are perfectly suited for each other.  You, too, comment that you did nothing wrong.  That you did everything according to the rules.  The same “technicality” excuse John used.  The comments about me not having any “proof, black and white proof” sounds like someone who was caught and can only reply smuggly “prove it”.  This is something John has heard many times in the past as a cop.  I wonder if he thought the same thing when he read your comments.  You keep acting like this is something that has to be proven in a court of law, beyond a “reasonable doubt”.  But even in a court of law that is the standard – not beyond “a shadow of a doubt”.  And this is not a criminal case.  It is all based on the “balance of probabilities”.  And I do not believe any reasonable person would see the situation and not come to the same conclusion … not JUMP to it as you state later….but come to it.  

When you list all the forms of relationships you have had with John I noticed that you stop with “manager”.  You don’t throw in “lover”.  But you do repeatedly reference that you were in a position of power over John.  That really isn’t something you should remind me, or anyone, of.   

Then, I had to laugh again when I read the part about you believing that I am deserving of respect.  Really?  Am I to thank you for saying that?  I don’t think so since you did not show me the respect I was “deserving” of.  And I did have trouble following the “family by default” comment.  You seem to like to talk about what a great person you are.  Treating everyone – even your subordinates – like friends and family.  How magnanimous of you.  That you would do anything for them.  Well, your relationship with John certainly proved that.  And just so we are crystal clear – even if you have a great and true love – and end up happily in a familial relationship with John – you will never be my family.  My family now consists of my children.  And only my children.  You know – children who are so important to a mother, and were all that you were concerned about – yet you slept with an employee, knowing it could jeopardize your job and therefore your children’s future.  It makes your later statement about them being your alibi all the more pathetic. 

You continue the flattery with the comment about me being secure and self-aware – as if that means I will suddenly think, “Ah.  She must be being honest.”  Yes I am secure and self-aware.  This belief is not coming from a place of insecurity as you implied earlier.  It is coming from a place of experience.  From clarity and surety.  This is not the first time John cheated – not even the second time.  He likes to say it was just that once.  And that it was with a girl who was so much like I used to be.  So therefore it was really my fault that he slept with her.  She paid him attention and made him feel good about himself.  This theme will come up again when we review the reason you slept with John.  

You detail how you had a bad 2020.  And of course, poor John was having a bad year as well.  I mean his wife was involved in a court case with her sexual deviant brother.  Poor guy.  It must have been hell on him.  He couldn’t talk to his wife about it, since he told her he didn’t like hearing about it because it made him feel bad.  He had to tell you about it.  And of course you were there to support the poor guy.  From this side of it, it looks like he told you about the court case so he could explain why he couldn’t leave his wife just yet now that you were available.  It’s as if he used my horrible experience for his convenience. The only word that comes to mind here is disgusting. 

You continue to describe how horrible you had it in 2020, showing me why it is perfectly okay to sleep with a married employee.  I am stunned at how much effort you put into NOT defending yourself.  The physical abuse of a woman should never be used as an excuse for poor behaviour, or as a justification, but that is what this seems to be.  The talk of your “crazy family”, why do I need to know about them?  How does that make this all okay?

Your talk about your surprise when he told you we were separating, does not automatically make you look like a good person.  Asking if we were getting back together sounds more like a “what are my chances” question than any concern.  It also reinforces my belief that he skipped out the door because he already had someone to go to.  Someone he knew would help him heal from the pain of being mean to his wife.  Of ignoring her, and baiting her, so she would finally say enough.

And the comments about how you wanted to wait implies there was already something well under way, and the comment that it was he who was pursuing you, paying you all that attention and flirting with you….you just couldn’t wait any longer…that is contrary to the story he tells.  That he was just so lonely.  That you just talked as friends and decided to maybe start dating.  That it wasn’t serious.  That he thought he should tell me because we are “friends” – oddly enough a term you used for me too.  It’s as if the two of you see yourselves as victims of circumstance.  You had no choice.  This great love was too overwhelming. But you are saying you never thought of him that way.  And he is saying he doesn’t want anything serious and doesn’t want more kids in his life.  And then…the creepiest part of the entire email….”couples goals.”  You say we were your couples goals and you waste no time in getting yourself into that relationship.  This along with your reference earlier to how similar you thought we were, only I was more self confident, is really rather “bunny boiler”.  

The entire message was an attempt to defend yourselves.  Neither of you seem to understand that even if you didn’t cheat while we were still apparently married, starting an emotional relationship, planning your escape, not having the balls to say anything to your spouse, acting like a 17 year old boy and making her break up with you and then quickly getting into a serious relationship – after only a measly 28 years of marriage – is still disrespectful and makes you both look so insecure because as soon as someone showed you any attention you jumped at the chance.  

Now, I am back to being confused.  You said you have done nothing wrong.  That you are not trying to defend yourself because you don’t need to since you and John know the truth, and then you offer a “sincere apology”.  And it is odd that you say nothing happened until mid March when John told me about you March 15 and said it had been going on for about a month when I asked him.  I also asked him why he just had to tell me as it was obvious he felt he was under a time limit, so now it looks like you gave him the ultimatum.  That he had to. He came over on Sunday for dinner acting all gracious and generous but chickened out.  Then he comes back the next day, because he was already one day overdue….you really should coordinate your stories better when using them to defend yourselves.

And then, another laugh.  Your “jump to conclusions” comment.  How irrational that someone who just broke up with her partner of 30+ years would have a hard time believing that a great love affair started in the 5 weeks of her finally saying she no longer wanted to be married to the man who was feeling sorry for himself and not talking about what was wrong and letting it build up until he yelled at his wife “work on your fucking issues!”. Yes.  I know.  I am horribly controlling.  I asked him to help me move a desk to show him what I meant about the bigger work space.  I am not sure he even realizes how controlling he was. Did he mention the Honda Element? The pressure to keep taking project manager roles?  Did he mention I specifically said I did not want to live on the first floor of the condo building but he pushed until we did?  

And then, the conclusion.  You let me know you are not angry at my reaction.  Read that part of your email over again and think about how that truly sounds.  And the very specific “28 year marriage” sounds exactly like John.  I mean, seriously, what is she so mad about?  It was only a 28 year marriage.     

So, to cap off this email, I was not “confused” and “scared” and “angry” and I certainly don’t need your understanding.  I was disrespected and hurt and infuriated that I had tried to make a relationship work with a man who did not have the courage to say when he was unhappy – but chose to choke it all down all the while blaming me for his unhappiness, until he blew up.  Apparently I do think too highly of myself.  I was not sticking around for the next blow up.  And I do not feel the need to jump at the chance to be with anyone who pays me attention because I feel bad about myself.  Again, the fact that you have both said you couldn’t help yourself since you felt so bad about yourselves, as if it makes it all okay, does really make me believe you two are perfect for each other.   

The irony of you creating this email and apologizing is you did nothing to me until you created it.  It is John who made vows.  It is John who owed me the respect I deserve.  You never made any promise to me.  I had no expectations of you.  But you seem to want to insinuate yourself into my life.  This is what makes me embarrassed for you.