The worst days…

I have been delaying this post. The day after John tried to convince me he is still a good guy but is now dating his boss is the day that I accepted the fact that I really did not know John at all. That the John I thought I knew wasn’t real. And that the same thing went for me. I didn’t know the Ann from that relationship. And I don’t believe she was real either. So. Now what?

Early the morning after John told me he was ”dating” his boss, he sent me a text asking how my morning was going. I told him I was pissed. That I did not believe ”nothing happened before”. That I believed he already had the relationship with Sonya when he made his ”fucking issues” comment and that I believed this is why he had the quick exit strategy set.

I asked again why he had to tell me. Who had seen him that he was afraid would tell me first? And that saying it had only been going on for 2 weeks was liking telling an officer on the side of the road that you only had 2 drinks that night. No one believes that. I told him that the cooking comment was petty. He responded by saying it might hav been stupid but it wasn’t petty. I assured him it was both.

He countered with reminding me I was the one who said I wanted to separate. And that he told me because he wanted me to hear it from him because our friendship was important to him. And he again said “nothing happened before” just as he swore to me the previous day. I am always amazed how people think that saying “I swear” would convince me that they are not the liar I think they are. But I believe you to be a liar. Of course saying you swear doesn’t change anything. I said all that is fine but I do not – and will not ever – believe him on this.

It became a yelling match. I told him no one believed he was just starting to sleep with his boss. He said it was the truth. And I said he is the first person who would NOT believe someone else. He said he would. I said we both knew he wouldn’t and if I had told him I just started dating my boss and he took me out dancing and was an amazing dancer he wouldn’t believe it for a second and also say it was a petty comment. He said he would believe it because it is me. I yelled ”Then you’re an idiot!” He stormed out of the house. I thought that was it but I guess he thought he had better come up with another way to convince me and he came back in.

Again he reminded me that he was not in a serious relationship and that he didn’t want his workplace or the children to know. So. Now him coming back in to calm things makes sense. He is concerned I will get mad and call his workplace and tell his kids. He is still trying to manipulate me into going along with his narrative. To keep his secret for him. Because of course we are ”friends”. Each time he would come back in and try to calmly tell me why I should believe him, I would again reiterate that he is a cheater and a liar so there is no way I will ever believe him. He would get angry again and another yelling spat would start. He attempted this 3 times before I finally said that was enough and he needed to leave. And stay gone.

Over the next couple of days I contacted and was contacted by former friends and co-workers of John’s. This is when I was told that he was hiding money and had been for some time. At first I said I couldn’t believe that. That he obviously was a cheater and a liar but that I didn’t think he would do that. But, I did decide that I needed to start looking at the financials because, as it turns out, I wasn’t the best judge of his character. It took weeks to get the ”black and white” proof that he and Sonya seemed to want, but I did get it. For a minimum of 7 years he had been moving money out of our joint account and I have not yet been able to find where it went.

I had at least 3 affairs confirmed for me with one being referred to as longterm. I am not sure which one. That really hurt but didn’t exactly surprise me. He isn’t the kind a guy to easily pick up sexual partners. He is the kind of guy that plays the good guy and makes you feel like he is the damaged one and you are the only one who can help him. Then, slowly but surely, the two of you open up about your issues and eventually he will use that knowledge to control you or to explain why you are crazy when he decides it is time to move on. And yes, he did tell me the people he was cheating with were crazy. It seems odd that he would actually talk to me about the women at work that it turns out he was cheating with, but I have come to realize he took some sort of perverse pleasure in me knowing them – and knowing about them – but not knowing his dirty little secret. When talking about these “crazy women” he would tell me how lucky he was to have me in his life. How knowing them made him truly appreciate me.

I met these women at work functions, while looking for a new home and even in my home for work parties. Now he is not just a liar and a cheater but an emotionally abusive man. So. What did I do? I did what many women who come to realize they have been so totally manipulated and controlled for years should do….I contacted HR at his company and told them and then later told the kids that we were no longer having family dinners together because their father had been cheating on me and that it wasn’t the first time. That he let me tell people there was no cheating and lying involved in our separation for weeks and now I knew that was not true. That I was mortified. I was so embarrassed and hurt and felt so incredibly foolish.

So now I had to decide who I wanted to be. And I decided I wanted to be the Old Ann. The one that existed before I was in this relationship with John. The one who felt she could take care of herself. Would never stay in an abusive relationship. Would recognize an abusive relationship. And would walk away and start over if she ever found herself in that type of relationship. I just struggled with admitting that I was in “that type“ of relationship.

Physical abuse is the easiest to recognize but it is not the only form of spousal abuse. I have not been a victim of physical abuse but I have been the victim of financial abuse as evidenced by the bank records. I have no idea how much other financial abuse I have been a victim of but we are looking into property purchases, taking money out of work pension plans and hiding it, and running up a credit line so it would be paid back with the proceeds of the sale of our home meaning I have paid back half of what was taken and hidden from me. However, this is not the abuse I am most concerned with.

The emotional abuse I have been subjected to over the years is what is the most painful and will be the most difficult to heal. The comments like ”it is okay, I don’t like skinny women” or ”you aren’t hard to live with but you are hard to love.” Then there are the threats of physical harm. Being told he could have someone kill me for less than $5,000. Not only could he do it, but it wouldn’t cost much because I am not worth much. Saying if he had a heart attack outside the house he would force himself to live long enough to get home and choke me out because he was not leaving me with “his money”. Then there were general comments like if we broke up he would quit his job so he didn’t have to pay me anything. He would move to the islands and tend bar, but I wasn’t getting any financial support from him. Or if he ever bought a lottery ticket and won he would leave and good luck finding him.

Even when we sold our home, the cheques were made out incorrectly giving me approximately $40,000 more than I should have. He had already picked up his cheque before I got to the lawyers and had just realized the mistake. He immediately called me to tell me to take the cheque back into the office. He showed up a couple minutes later and said he wouldn’t have stuck around. He would have taken the cheque and left. I always wanted to believe these were just jokes, but once I had the proof of the money manipulation he had done I knew the emotional manipulation was also something he had been doing. I just didn’t want to see it. But now that I did, I could start trying to fix it.

And this is why I will never believe anything he ever says. There have been so many lies and manipulations that nothing is sure anymore….other than I married a man who didn’t really exist – and because of that I became a women who didn’t really exist.

But now…welcome back Ann Bishop. Oh how I have missed you…