Looking back…

I know that the popular advice is ”look forward and don’t look back”. But for me to move forward I need to look back and see all the signs I missed and the signs I didn’t miss but chose to deal with in a way that I now regret.

I would advise, that if you meet your partners co-workers and friends and they cannot understand why you are with him – question this. I thought that it was because he was so quiet and I am not. That he is emotionless and I am full of emotion. That he has no personality and I had more than most people wanted to deal with. I have since heard from several of the people who made these comments that they couldn’t believe that he was a serial cheater and that I was the person he was cheating on. They were wondering what I saw in him. Why I would be loyal to him. And why I would say he is a good guy. And, of course, they were wondering how I could not know what he was doing. I had suspected he was cheating and had even approached him. But after being told I was imagining everything I started to question myself.

And here is my biggest regret. When he finally told me he had cheated 3 years after he did – exactly when I asked him about cheating and I believed him when he said it was my imagination – I should have left. I knew right then that he was not only a cheater but a pretty convincing liar. And I knew he hadn’t felt the slightest bit guilty about his actions. He was only telling me then because he thought I was involved with someone else and he wanted to show me he could get someone – and had. He then went on to explain to me why his cheating wasn’t so bad. That it was with someone just like I used to be so it really was my fault. And he said this all with a completely straight face. With the conviction of his belief that I really should understand it and fix it for him. But. I didn’t leave.

And this same belief and attitude resurfaced when he attempted to convince me he had just started sleeping with is boss. Reminding me that he had said she was like me. That she said she was like me. That he wasn’t drinking as much as if his drinking was my responsibility. That she was a great cook. That they had laughed that I once said she was a good person and they would make a good couple if something happened to me. Then he thanked me for making it so easy for him. Yes. For him. Because that was all that was important. Then, when the shock wore off and I reacted completely appropriately to being lied to and cheated on he was shocked that I did not just take his word for everything. He seemed to have forgotten that I knew he was a liar. And I even had to remind him this was not the first time he cheated. And that he had already admitted to me that he was a cheater and a liar years ago. His reaction? How could I think such a thing of him? What was wrong with ME?!

So. Now. I am on the outside watching as he continues his lovely family get togethers with his kids and his parents and his sister and her family. All the while playing the good guy. Poor guy. His marriage didn’t work. His wife is accusing him of cheating and lying and hiding money which he never did – and never would. Except that he did – and he knows that. And now he knows I know that. But he is pretending it is just me who ”thinks” that. I also found out that he has introduced his ”girl friend” to his son….and likely to his daughter. Yes. That same woman he was cheating on their mother with. And the same woman he had in my home. And the same woman who came into my kitchen to chat with me right after she realized I had figured out he was cheating and that it was likely with her. The same woman who drafted an email to me explaining what a good and honourable person she is and then sent that email to him to review before sending it along. Yes. They are good people. I should just get over it all and make things easy for everyone….except me.

I am sorry kids, that you are going through this too. You are adults and you have to make the best choice for you. I understand if you think I am not handling things well and that I am making it worse, but I am going to continue to believe that he is manipulating everyone around him. Including you kids. And if you want to not spend time with me that is fine too. When the truth comes out, and you too are hurt, I will be here if you want to talk to me. If you do not want to talk to me, that is okay too. Just, please, find someone to talk to. Being fooled and manipulated is excruciating. Whether it is by your partner or your parent.