Signs

In the past year I have been doing a lot of soul searching. I have realized there were all kinds of signs that I was married to an abusive man – I just didn’t want to see them. There were even times when I did see them but felt I had to make the best of my situation since I chose him – and I had children with him. I didn’t want my kids to think their dad was an abusive ass. So I told them he was a good guy. I told others he was a good guy. I told myself he was a good guy. I knew that he wasn’t or I wouldn’t have had to try to convince myself he was.

I realize now that the very first sign he was a controlling man was his inability to accept the word “No”. Very early in our dating relationship I was telling him I did not want a relationship and that I just wanted to date. He acted like I hadn’t said anything. He completely ignored what I was saying. This was in the 1980s. The decade of ”Pretty in Pink” and ”Sixteen Candles”. The girl was supposed to be coy and the boy was supposed to be persistent. So. I decided I would have to wait for another evening to let him down easy. I couldn’t be mean. He was a friend of my sisters. She already thought I was going to be mean to him.

So I continued to date him. And he was so even tempered. And nice. And patient. I convinced myself I was lucky to have him. Of course, as time went on, I saw him more as emotionless, and judgemental, and controlling. It was the same behaviour I saw in the beginning, I just realized I had assigned the wrong motivations to that behaviour. But by now we were married and had two kids. I grew up in a home with a long term marriage. My parents liked each other. My mother often told me how a marriage is work. You make it work. So. I made it work. But today I have a new mantra.

TRUST YOUR GUT.

I didn’t trust my gut. When I thought he was cheating I told myself I was just imagining it. He would never do such a thing. When he was controlling all the money I told myself it was best for him to look after that. When he told me I was the one responsible for the kids I agreed that I was the one who wanted them so I was the one responsible for them. When he stayed late after work for a drink I told myself he was staying late after work for a drink. That he deserved it because his job was so stressful. Of course, now I know he was cheating. He was using the kids as a way to keep me at home so I wouldn’t catch him cheating. That the “drink” wasn’t just with co-workers to de-stress.

I am so glad he is out of my life. That I am on my own. That the control he has is less and will be gone once we finally get the answer to where he hid the money he was moving into a secret account from our joint account. So, now, I TRUST MY GUT.

There is just one thing I find strange. Now I am actually concerned for the woman he was cheating with. I actually hope she realizes what he is in less time than it took me. Not for her so much as for her two kids.