Suffering

If you want to understand why I was unable to admit to myself that I was in an abusive marriage I suggest you watch the Netflix series “Maid” with Margaret Qualley and Andie McDowell. What it comes down to is it can be embarrassing for many women to admit they are being abused – especially if they see themselves as strong and capable women. And more so if they have been trying to convince themselves and others that they chose a good guy.

For me I was able to take care of myself financially but had let my spouse handle the money because he said he was better at it. And as it turns out, he was. For him at least. Less so for me.

And I worked at the Victim Witness Assistance Program. This is a program where people going through court cases that involve abuse or trauma work with individuals who can support them through the court process. I saw, every day, what many people have gone through – women, children, men – and I really felt I had nothing to complain about in comparison.

So. What have I learned?

ABUSE IS ABUSE – NO MATTER WHERE ON THE CONTINUUM YOURS MAY FALL. IT HURTS AND DOES DAMAGE EVEN IF IT ISN’T THE SAME AS WHAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS SUFFERED. IT IS ALL SUFFERING.

On this horrible and completely unwanted journey I am on I have heard and read many stories that are so similar to mine that I can see myself in these stories of abuse. Being a logical person I have to admit I was in an abusive marriage. And I am a victim – no matter how much I hate to assign that name to me. I am not alone. Many women in abusive relationships do not want to own the title of victim. Think of how often we hear ”you are such a victim” in a derisive tone. It implies weakness and self obsession.

Please don’t tell a victim of abuse that they are not important enough to call themselves a victim. They have heard that over and over, from their abuser and themselves. This is why they stayed. So the next time you ask why a victim stays – remember this.

And if you want to broach the argument that others have suffered worse, please remind yourself IT IS ALL SUFFERING.