Asshole’ism

Let me start off by saying, I am not a Mental Health Professional. I cannot say that my ex is a sociopath or covert narcissist with any degree of certainty, although I do see some of those characteristic in him. What I can say with 100% conviction is the man is an Asshole. So here is my take on how to identify if someone is suffering from Asshole’ism. Here it is.

SIGNS OF ASSHOLE’ISM. AND SOME TRUE LIFE EXAMPLES.

I am hearing Jeff Foxworthy’s voice in my head. If you have ever said……you might be an asshole.

The first sure sign came early in our marriage when he sat me down and informed me that he had a high sex drive and now that I was his wife he needed me to understand it was my job to help him take care of it. Yes. That is what he said.

Some time later, when I was struggling with whether or not I should tell my family that my eldest brother sexually assaulted me in my early teens I spoke to him about it. He told me that he needed me to understand that I was not the only one hurt by my brothers actions. Those actions took something away from my husband too. He did not have a wife who was as sexually active and comfortable as he wanted. Again. Stunned.

It was around this time that I realized the true first sign that I was dealing with an asshole was prior to our marriage. Early in our relationship he told me his mother was too hard on him. She was too critical of him. She was actually upset with him when he did not get good grades in school. Poor baby. Imagine. Your own mother expecting you to do well in school. But, is this really a good enough reason to end the relationship? Surely this isn’t that big a deal. Wow. Was I wrong. Because this became the theme for our marriage. He needed support and comfort and if he wasn’t getting enough he could do and say whatever he wanted.

Skip ahead a few years to when he decided to let me know that others found him attractive. He admitted to cheating with a woman 3 years previously. He said it was “just that once”. He explained that she was just like I was when we started dating and she made him feel good about himself so you see it was really my fault.

Once, at a family gathering, my eldest brother walks up to a young girl who was there and licks her face. I told my family what he had done years ago. I confronted my brother. Sides were taken. I also went back to school. It was a stressful time. This is when my ex decided to tell me he was unhappy and wanted to separate. I told him fine. A few days after his pronouncement he asked me to take less than half so he didn’t have to share his police pension. I said no. He was shocked. (Another sign of Asshole’ism) A few days after that he said a friend of his told him to not be an idiot. That he was never getting anyone as good as me. And so he wanted to call off the separation. Since I was in school and not working I said fine. We sold our condo but I would not buy a new home until he had proven he was sticking around – and I got a job. Of course now I see that he must have spoken to a lawyer and was told that since I was not working and he was making the most he ever had and we had been married so long he would be responsible for indefinite spousal support. So I guess he told his lover that he was staying and this is why we had to sell the condo because she knew the building we lived in. He needed to get out of the city and move to another city. Let’s say it together…..ASSHOLE!

Now the next move is truly an Asshole move. He quit his job. Took the money in his pension. Hid it. After a couple months he took a job for much less at a company that the woman he is now seeing (and was before we decided to separate) was working.

So. Eventually, after he convinced me it was just a mid life crisis we bought a new home. It was his favourite home. And he made sure I knew that he was watching every cent. If I went out for lunch that was the first thing he mentioned when I got home. He talked about money all the time. I would see him just sitting and looking at our bank balance and smiling.

And not surprisingly, things started to become tense. I had retired. Although now he says he never agreed to that. I asked him if he was particularly moody because he was working and I was not. He said that I didn’t need to work. And that he liked that I was home to paint the exterior of the house. It was increasing its value.

Again I asked him why he was so tense and distant. He said he was stressed about “work stuff”. I started to suspect he was cheating. Over time it became apparent he was sleeping with his boss. I gave him ample opportunity to come clean but he would just look a me. As if daring me to say something so he could tell me I was crazy and imagining it.

He then used my childhood sexual assault as a way to let her know he understood how men can be mean to women and to show how he was so supportive. He even let her know he couldn’t leave his wife when she left her husband because his poor wife was going through a court case with her paedophile brother. He used the most traumatic thing in my life to make him look good and to buy him more time to figure out the finances.

When he lost his temper and swore at me while leaning into me with clenched teeth and fists I decided it was time to go. It was the first time I ever thought he was going to hit me. It was now more than Asshole’ism. It was Abusive Asshole’ism. I told him the next day I was done. He immediately had an apartment and told the bank we were separating so the assets could be divided.

A few weeks later he came to tell me he was thinking about starting to date his boss. But that it was new. That he told her he didn’t want anything serious. And that he didn’t want kids and she had a 7 and a 12 year old. (Asshole move) And….this amazes me every time I think of it….he brags that she cooks for him and she in an amazing cook. I don’t cook. He wants me to be happy for him. Proud of him. As if he hadn’t been sleeping with her already for a very long time. When I tell him it is bullshit and I don’t believe him and that the cooking comment was petty he is surprised. He admits that the cooking comment might have been stupid but it wasn’t petty. I assured him it was both. He admonishes me for always pointing out when he says stupid things. I tell him to stop saying stupid things. And this is when he decided he had to tell people I was crazy. I mean, I must be. How could I think this of him?

Things get ugly. I get confirmation from the bank that he has been moving his pay cheques and other large sums of money out of our account FOR YEARS. When he is asked about this he says he is not hiding money. When my lawyer asks where it went he says I could have looked at the accounts anytime and could have asked anytime. When my lawyer says I am asking now, he answers I should have asked years ago. Notice there is no answer being given. When he asks financial questions of me I give direct answers to his direct questions. Yet he cannot bring himself to do that.

Basically, his attitude is that all this is my fault because I was stupid enough to believe a lying cheating asshole like him. This is the ULTIMATE sign of ASSHOLE’ISM!