Is it me?

After some time away from this blog, and much time hiding away in my home, I am coming out of a fog. Or so that is how it feels.

After two years of attempting to find the money hidden by my finally ex, I have given up. It has been moved so many times it would be almost impossible to find. It could be done, but the financial and emotional strain on me is not worth it. On top of that is my concern of how the stress could affect the relationship I have with my kids. Their father is playing the victim quite nicely. Reminding people I am the one who finally said I am done. No mention of why I finally waked away. And here I am doing it again. I am finally walking away. He can start spending the money now. He has won. He will be so pleased with himself.

So now. I am concentrating on getting healthy and happy. My first attempt at this has not worked out so well. Hence the question – is it me.

At the end of June I went out for coffee with a man, Charlie, from my building. We had met last December and had run into each other a few times. We ended up sitting and chatting for a bit one warm afternoon and decided to get together some time. Over the following few days we spent hours talking. Via text. On the phone. In person. We had a lot in common. Same age. Both single. Previously married. Kids around the same age. And most importantly – the same pop culture references from the 80s.

He was beautiful and attentive and very gentlemanly. Almost old fashioned and chivalrous. But with a wicked sense of humour which I enjoyed. The first time we were out for coffee, he mentioned to the barista that it was our 25th wedding anniversary. She smiled and congratulated us and I played along. We laughed about that. Here we were on our “first date” but due to our age it was easy to appear as a long term couple. I thought it was odd that he said it, but I didn’t see it for what it was at the time. The first red flag.

The second or third time we were together, I asked if he was for real. Obviously people put their best foot forward in the beginning, but he was almost too much to be believed – actually – he was too much to be believed. He spoke of the many places he lived. His closeness with his mother. His respect for his late father. His relationship with his 3 sisters. His good relationship with his ex wife and how much he respected her and appreciated how she has raised their son. He spoke of his former homes – large and impressive. Of his friends and who they knew. His nephew who was an actor and appeared on a kids show my children used to watch in the 90s. This is why I asked if he was real. This is also when I thought this story might be a red flag – and I realized the wedding anniversary comment was the first one.

We weren’t even a month into our “relationship” when I explained that things were moving too quickly. I was feeling over whelmed. And I needed some space. He did not hear me apparently. He would show up at my door with food or gifts. He was so kind and attentive and I began to ask myself if it was just me. It reminded me of how often I had asked myself the same question during my marriage. Of every time I would think that John was cheating and was told I was just over reacting because of of my mistrust of men. It was always “just me”. Now that the cheating had been confirmed I logically knew it wasn’t “just me” but I was not prepared for how ingrained that thought pattern was (is) in my head.

I consider myself a strong and intelligent woman. It is incredibly embarrassing to have to admit I was controlled and manipulated. And that it appeared I had attracted another controlling and manipulative man. What is wrong with me?

It took months to finally get the message across that I was not interested. He would continue to speak to me as if we were in a relationship. Asking when I was coming over to watch movies. If I wanted to go out. When I said I am not coming over or going out with him he would ask why. We had a great time. We should get together. I would repeat what I had said so many times before. I do not want to. I simply do not want to. And that is enough. I do not need to explain it or justify it to him.

After several weeks of no contact I ran into him outside our building. We had a nice conversation. He did ask me to go for dinner with him to which I said no. But the conversation was calm and amicable. He said he had a video he thought I would like and that he would send it to me. I said fine and walked away. I was obviously in my “Is it Me?” mode. Surely I was just being too cautious. Well. I am now convinced it is NOT just me. He sent a completely inappropriate picture. I am guessing to show me what I am missing.

I responded by saying “Are you kidding me? Do you really think this is an appropriate picture?” I let him know I will be blocking him….again…from my phone. But this time, I will no longer have contact with him at all. When I see him in or around the building I will completely ignore his existence. I have seen him. And I did completely ignore him.

Honestly I know that all men are not like this. I know many men who are not controlling and manipulative. Men who see this type of behaviour for what it is. But I am shocked at the number of men I have met who are like this. Men who came out of the wood work when it became known I was divorced.

But worst of all, I am shocked and the number of women who are NOT shocked by this. This is way too common.