The marriage

Ann and John date for 3 years. They had a summer long breakup but got back together. The fun. The happiness. Four weeks later John moves in with Ann. And 6 weeks after that John proposes to Ann. Ann says yes. They get along so well. He is such a good guy and Ann is so good for him according to John. They get married 9 months later and these two stubborn kids are going to make it. They are going to be a better married couple than all the others they know. Why? Because they have something better than love. They have ”mutual respect”.

The couple have a child and decide to move out of the small town they grew up in. There is little opportunity for them there. Being financially successful is very important to John. John gets a transfer. Ann wants to live in the city where she went to university. John wants to live in the city he lived in for a couple months a few years before. John decides the city. Ann agrees and the family of 3 move.

It was a good move. Ann begins work. John is meeting friends at work that he plays ball and hockey with. Ann only has friends at work because she has no time after work. She is a mom to a young boy and is expecting another child. John tells her they can now afford a house. Ann knows nothing about the money and is surprised they can now buy a house. They buy the house John picked out.

Their second child arrives 3 days after they move into the house. They are the perfect family of four. John works shifts so it is Ann’s responsibility to take care of the kids and make sure they are quiet so John can sleep when needed. But she is failing. The oldest child is still not sleeping through the night and wakes up screaming. Ann tries everything. John tells her she just needs to ignore him. But she can’t. The child seems to be in pain. John decides he will get the second child sleeping through the night. He stays up with her two nights in a row giving her a soother every time she wakes up. It works. See Ann. If you had just done that. Ann is not a good mom. John is a good dad. Note: we will learn the screaming child is allergic to dairy and is in pain. The sleeping child is not, making it much easier to sleep. But we don’t find that out for a couple of years. A couple of years where Ann is reminded she is a bad mom because her child can’t sleep. But John’s can.

Now we enter the Love Bombing / Gaslighting portion of the marriage. John admits to cheating on Ann three years previously. He explains she was not paying him enough attention because she was focused on work, and taking courses, and the kids. A girl just like Ann used to be showed him attention and made him feel attractive so of course he slept with her. It was justified in John’s mind. And it was Ann’s fault. He doesn’t want to split up because he doesn’t want to only see his kids every 2nd weekend. Not long after this John informs Ann that he could get the kids if they were to separate because he could plant drugs on her and make her look like a bad mom. As a correctional officer he had access to people who could make this happen.

But now that everything is out in the open, things are great. Ann is an amazing wife and mother according to John. He is so lucky to have someone who doesn’t need to know where he is all the time. That gives him time and space to be with his friends. Someone who will be the designated driver. Even leaving him at a party to get home to the kids and then come back the next day when he calls to pick him up. He is so lucky.

Ann starts to believe she is the lucky one. John takes care of the family by handling all the money. It is all in one pot. And he always says they are a team. That the money is shared. Not split like other couples. Ann and John are the perfect couple. They are doing things the best way. John says so.

Ann is concerned things aren’t all so rosy, that they couldn’t be this good so soon after finding out he cheated. She is not sleeping and is having trouble maintaining her weight. She is reminded of John’s comment a few years before about not liking skinny women. That the girl he cheated with was heavier like she used to be. Remember? That is why he cheated. Ann is a bad wife.

When at a Christmas party Ann sees something that makes her think John is a little too close to a female co-worker she asks him about it. Ann is crazy. She is imagining it. He can’t even talk to her about it. (Spoiler alert: Ann is told years later by an ex co-worker of John’s that he was cheating.)

More Love Bombing. John explains he is happy. He has the best wife. All his co-workers are impressed by her and can’t believe she is his wife. Ann is not just a good wife – she is a great wife. He gives her flowers. He makes a spa day appointment for her. He takes the kids to the cottage to give her some space.

Ann is a good wife. She doesn’t get mad at him for staying out with friends. She doesn’t complain about him going to play ball or hockey. When he becomes a cop she doesn’t complain when he goes out for drinks after shift with the guys. She is much more supportive that the other guys wives. She is the best wife. He is lucky. He knows it and appreciates it. And again, Ann is not just a good wife – she is a great wife.

Ann continues to take courses so she can better her financial situation. She wants to be able to take care of herself and her kids if John decides again that she is a bad wife and he wants to leave. Ann works hard and begins to make as much money as John. Now Ann is a truly great wife. But she struggles with depression and the effects of not dealing with the trauma of being sexually assaulted as a child. She becomes hypersensitive to people who are around her daughter. Ann worries she is being too protective or is looking for things that are not there. John says that is exactly what she is doing.

Ann and John continue to be a couple. One that others say is a good couple. One they tell each other is a good couple. John still gets moody and controls the money. Ann still wonders if John is cheating again. But she knows it is just her imagination and her trust issues with men. John says so.

Ann begins to have health issues. Stomach issues. Many tests are done but nothing can be found. Ann adjusts her diet and increases her exercise. Then Ann has no energy at all. She is diagnosed with hypo-thyroidism. This is a problem for John. He wants to be active. Go out. Ann doesn’t know where. John does not have friends anymore.

Both kids are now in university. Ann is ready to down-size. She no longer wants to continue to clean a larger home just to close the doors until the next week when she opens them again to clean. John agrees. Both work in another city so they decide to move there. Ann finds a condo building she likes. It is in a nice area. John says he also found a condo building he likes and it is better. Ann agrees to go look at it and likes the building but has one demand: they do not live on the first floor. After looking at a few units, John convinces Ann to take the one on the first floor because it is the cheapest.

Over time, Ann begins to feel uncomfortable in the building. As it turns out it is not in a good neighborhood – something John knew since he was a cop in that area. When Ann is taking the dogs out for a walk at night she asks John to come with her. John refuses. A few times on the walks Ann does not feel safe. She asked John if that is why he moved her there. Does he have someone who is willing to kill her for less than $5,000 finally? John just smirks.

Just before the second Christmas in the condo, John tells Ann he wants to separate. Ann is in school. John is making the most money he ever has. Ann says fine. She noticed John was especially pouty lately and had asked what was wrong but he has always been that way so when he said nothing she believed him. A couple days later John says he does not want Ann getting any of ”his work pension” because he earned that. He suggests Ann take everything else which is less than half the marital assests. Ann does not agree. John is shocked. He tries to convince her that the pension is his money alone. She does not agree.

A week or so later John tells Ann he changed his mind. He had spoken to a friend who said he would never find anyone else as good as Ann. He sees that now and thinks it was just a mid life crisis. Note: Just recently Ann found out John never spoke to that friend. It appears that what he did was get legal advice and since they had been married so long and Ann wasn’t working and he was doing well at the time he would have to pay Ann indefinite spousal support. So. John told Ann she was the best again and was just having a tough time at work and wanted to quit and take the pension out. He also wanted to sell the condo and head back to the city the kids grew up in. He wanted to buy a house but Ann said she would rather rent until she could be sure John was really in this marriage and it was just a mid life crisis.

Ann and John find a lovely home to rent. It is in a nice and safe neighbourhood and there is room for when the kids come home to stay. John goes out of his way to show Ann how happy he is and how great the two of them are together. Again, they are a team. John quits policing and becomes a fraud investigator. Ann finishes school and gets a good job. John is really happy. He decides it is time to buy another house. And they find a wonderful house. John still gets pouty sometimes. Ann still asks if everything is okay. John still says he is just stressed at work. Then Ann starts to suspect she knows why John is stressed at work.

John tells Ann that he told Sonya, his boss, about Ann being involved in a court case against her brother who sexually assaulted her as a child. Ann is surprised. John is not a talker. And this is not John’s story to tell. Especially to someone Ann has only met once. But John assures Ann that Sonya is so much like Ann. They would get along so well. And it was only because Sonya told John about her horrible marriage and husband. This seems odd to Ann. Again. John is not a talker.

John is working from home due to Covid and starts taking drives after work to get out of the house. He is usually gone for a couple hours. Then he starts going to a friends house that is being built. He begins to go one to two times a week. He tells Ann about a large pit at the property that he can throw yard brush into. Then he asks if Ann wants to go to the property with him. Ann is uneasy with John’s behaviour and says no. John has his work team over for a pool party and Ann asks Danny (owner the house being built) if it seems odd to him that John is always going out to the property to check on the house. Danny is confused. John sits completely still and stares at his hands. Sonya quickly looks at John then just as quickly looks away. All the co-workers go silent and there is tension. Ann goes in the house. Sonya comes in a couple minutes later to make small talk. Ann ends the conversation.

Now John’s character changes completely with Ann. He seems more like a stranger than a husband. Ann waits for John to finally say what he is going to say. John never does. But every time Ann speaks to him he stares at her and hesitates to speak, as if he is trying to figure out if she is tricking him. Then comes the day when they are moving furniture in his office. Ann wants to move a table beside the desk to give John more space for his files. John doesn’t want to. Ann laughs and says you know I have my issues, help me move it just to see. John grits his teeth and screams in Ann’s face, ”Work on your fucking issues!” Ann just looks at John for a couple seconds then turns and walks away. About 20 minutes later John approaches Ann but she lifts her hand and says she is not ready. He marches away.

The next day Ann tells John she is done. And she is so glad that she did.

Very quickly John has an apartment. And he moves out. And he sets up an appointment to sell the house – which is sold in less than 8 hours. It all is moving pretty fast for Ann, but she does not regret ending the marriage. Then John stops by one day to tell Ann that he is dating his boss. They have just started dating. He thinks Ann is going to be pleased for him. They are friends after all. But John doesn’t have friends.

After he leaves, Ann considers what she just heard. This explains the stress John was feeling at work these past few months. It is stressful when you are sleeping with your boss and don’t want anyone to find out but someone does. Poor John. Poor Sonya. At least John has Ann on his side. Or does he. Ann is now furious. Ann calls HR at John’s work and tells them what she has just been told. Ann is tired of being played for a fool and always thinking the best of John. She regrets all the times she told the kids they had a great dad. She regrets all the times she told her friends she had a great husband. She regrets selling the house so quickly because now she suspects it was a manipulation by John. But mostly, she regrets she didn’t leave him when he admitted to cheating all those years ago.

And now she is told by others that he cheated more often than she even realized. And that this relationship with Sonya has been going on for much longer than she knows. Ann is told that John has been hiding money and she needs to get a good lawyer. She is told others have always thought John was sneaky and creepy. Ann is so glad to be out of this marriage but she is a long way from being truly out of this relationship. And it is going to be a hard road ahead. You see, it is truly hell divorcing a sociopath. And Ann truly believes that is what John is.